...the next episode being the actual first episode, because I accidentally did the second episode first. Ah well.
We begin our exciting adventure with...! Link waking up. Oh my gosh I'm about to pass out from all this excitement. Now he is stretching! And whining! Complaining about how he is now living in a castle sleeping in a bed instead of sleeping in mud on the side of a road. Something tells me this boy has mixed priorities. Did I mention Link is not wearing any pants?
Because he's not wearing any pants.
He then admits admits that there is one good reason for living in a castle, (you know, besides not having the risk of getting your ass kicked by dysentery or cholera) and that reason is Princess Zelda. Whom he then proceeds to peep on.
Link: "Lookin' good, Princess! 'specially from this angle." Because you see Link is staring down her cleavage.
Link is soon attacked by a group of moblins who emerge from the COMPLETELY INCONSPICUOUS SECRET PASSAGE as seen in the first screenshot. They're trying to get the Triforce of Wisdom you see, and to do that they- hey there don't do that!
Didn't I just tell you he's not wearing any pants! You didn't listen, and now the moblin on the right has a face full of Link sack...among other things. Of course, the moblins, who are cartoon thugs and thus being completely incompetent in all facets of life are easily thwarted by a man (elf-thing) in a night shirt. Link eventually dispatches them through use of pillows and a bed sheet, and even his pink sword beam of totally not gayness.
And as our mighty hero has now dispatched the fiendish villains of deviltry, he is now greeted by Zelda, who will surely give him the kiss he so justly deserves. Or, you know, slap him for being a creepy peeper. Zelda then berates Link for the mess in the room, (One excuuuuuuse me) apparently not caring that there may have been a battle for the Triforce in there, which considering happens nearly every single episode, is pretty damn stupid of her. She even comments after Link informs her of the situation that this has been the third attack this month. Bitch.
Anyhoo.
Zelda then leaves to judge a magician's contest, leaving Link seething for having to sit and guard the triforce. We are then greeted by what should have been our first glimpse of cartoon Ganon.
Lovely chap, isn't he. Though I simply must get the name of the person who does his nails. He then berates the foolish moblins who failed him and are now floating around aimlessly in the Jar of Evil. After which he zaps them with green lightning and they explode. Or something. I don't know, the logistics of the Jar of Evil are sketchy at best. Ganon then starts talking to himself about how he needs to get the Triforce of Wisdom himself and teleporting around the randomly. He suggests to himself entering the amateur magician's contest at the castle, before the Triforce of Power speaks the first and only words it will ever utter in the cartoon, possibly because the voice is so silly.
ToP: "But you're no amateur, you're a pro!" Bravo, my good fellow, bravo.
Clearly he needs to disguise himself to enter, so he puts on a stupid looking robe and summons four Stalfos to carry him around on his dark and foreboding palanquin.
Yeah, that sounds just inconspicuous enough to fool a blind, deaf and dumb guy. Who sure plays a mean pinball.
We now go over to the magician's contest, in it's third year now. This promising competition has spawned such wonderful new magicians such as Bentrick the Cartmakegofaster and Wenciful the Verminmakegoawayer. This year's contest features such future luminaries as Whitebeard the Plantsmakegrowbigger.
Oh ho, silly Whitebeard, your tomato exploded. Better luck next year! Ganon arrives, but Zelda makes him wait his turn, and lets Stupidfuck the Socksmakesmellbetter (seriously) have his turn. Meanwhile, Link asks Sprite for advice on how to get into Zelda's pants.
Sprite: "Who cares, she's a snot." Meow my friends, meow.
And now we know that Sprite wants into Link's pants.
D'awww. Although Link does raise a valid point when he mentions that Sprite is only 3 inches tall. I mean, how would that work, with the thing, and the other thing and the whoaho, lady! back to the contest, where Blackguy the Createalizard creates a lizard. But oh no, Ganon turns the lizard into a fire-breathing dragon! Oh no! Now Zelda gon' get et! However, Link manages to zap the dragon back into a lizard, and all is well. Zelda then bitches out Link again (two excuuuuuuse mes) because he left the Triforce unguarded to, you know, save her damn life.
Sprite's scream is heard, and it's shown that Ganon has entered the room of the Triforce, proving for the first time that there are absolutely no guards or any damn people in the entire castle. The Triforce speaks in its stupid rhyme, and Ganon runs away while Link and Zelda stand there and comment on how he is getting away. So then Zelda gets Whitebeard the Plantsmakegrowbigger and gets him to make a vine...tree..thing grow huge so that she and Link can catapult themselves to overtake Ganon.
As you can see, this looks as stupid as it sounds.
Fortunately, they crash into a tree a bit ahead of Ganon and land on their asses. Ganon then summons a bunch more Stalfos, but link and Zelda manages to kick their asses while fighting back to back while strapped together with a belt. It's crazy action good time. Ganon then tries to abscond with the Triforce, but Link blows him the fuck up with a bomb.
Link tries to coerce a kiss from Zelda to get the belt off, but Sprite comes in and cockblocks Link. Ganon is shown seething mad in the Jar of Evil, and thus another episode is complete.
Next: That stuff I said in the first post.
